USE THE LANGUAGE OF A TRP^®

In our language many commonly used phrases reflect victim mentality. Therefore we become more TRP^® by being aware of--and changing--any such phrases which we may be using. A very practical book outlines the relationship between our language and our ability to express personal responsibility. The following pages are excerpted with permission from it. Reprinted from TALK SENSE TO YOURSELF: The Language of Personal Power, by Chick Moorman. First Edition, © 1985 by Personal Power Press, P.O. Box 5985 Saginaw, MI 48603.

“Makes Me” Language

One of the most commonly used phrases in our culture is “makes me.”

“Janet really makes me happy.”

“That makes me angry.”

“Children make me nervous.”

“Naughty jokes make me feel embarrassed.”

“Makes me” is an example of unself-responsible language. That choice of language helps you to see something or someone else as being in control of your responses to life. Every time you use that phrase, you add to your programming that says you are not responsible for your reactions to the people and events in your life. This serves to diminish your sense of personal power.

“Janet makes me happy,” is a way of speaking and thinking that gives Janet credit for your joy. It negates your choice of responses in the situation and assigns the responsibility for you happiness to her. If you speak and think in ways that give Janet control of your happiness, you tend to believe that you can only be happy around her if she behaves in certain ways. Your degree of happiness is then at the mercy of her behavior.

Similar language can be used to blame other for your miseries. “Janet makes me mad.” Now Janet is not only in charge of your happiness, she’s also in charge of your unhappiness. If she controls both you happiness and your unhappiness, what is left for you to control?

If your child makes you nervous, then the child is in control of your nervousness. If your boss makes you anxious, then she is in charge of your anxiety. If naughty jokes embarrass you, then joke tellers control your embarrassment. With all those other people and events in control of your responses, it’s easy to see why you might have a diminished sense of personal power.

It’s a mistake to use language that attributes your happiness, unhappiness or any other feeling to an external source. Actually, no one can make you feel anything. It’s simply not possible for anyone else to create and emotion in you. Emotions are your personal response to an outside act and are within your power to control. Using language that continues the illusion that outside forces create your emotional reactions to life only serves to strengthen your belief that others can “make you.”

Do you think sunshine makes you happy? It’s not so. Does sunshine make you happy if you are stranded in a boat in the middle the lake with no shirt to cover your blistered shoulders? Does sunshine cause happiness if you get new skis for Christmas and are waiting for the season’s first snowfall? Does sunshine make you happy if you are a farmer and your crops are parching in the field? No, sunshine doesn’t make you happy in those cases. And it doesn’t make you unhappy, either.

How you choose to interpret the sunshine and how you choose to think about it is what makes you happy or sad, not the sunshine itself. The sun is not in charge of your happiness. You are.

Your boss doesn’t make you anxious. You do anxiety to yourself by the thoughts you choose to think or the images you hold in your mind about your boss. Naughty jokes don’t embarrass you. You embarrass yourself by the thoughts you choose to think or the pictures you create about naughty jokes. Children don’t make you nervous. You again make yourself nervous either by the images you create or the thoughts you think about your children.

It’s not your boss, your spouse, your children, or any other external source that causes your emotions. Your feelings are under your control and they begin with the language you use to think about the situations and events of your life.

We are all in charge of your own responses to the events of our lives. It doesn’t matter whether your response is a physical action like slugging another person, pulling a trigger or jumping off a roof; or if your response is an emotional one, such as feeling angry, jealous or frustrated. No one can make you. Your response is under your jurisdiction. You are responsible for your actions and your feelings.

Many people hold firm beliefs that:

1. slow drivers can make them frustrated

2. icy roads can make them nervous

3. people can make them jealous

4. weekends can make them happy

5. flat tires can make them angry

6. other people can make them disgusted, horny, bored, excited, embarrassed, scared, annoyed and a variety of other emotions.

These beliefs that people hold were created and are being reinforced by the programming (words) they choose to use. And the more they hear “makes me” variations on the radio, read it in newspapers, or speak it themselves, the stronger their belief that others can make them becomes.

We are constantly being conditioned by Madison Avenue to think and speak externally so we will believe and act (buy) as if their products make us happy.

Perhaps you have heard how, “You and Betty Crocker can bake (make) someone happy.” Or maybe you’ve learned that Coast soap “will pick you up,” or that Texas Instruments “makes learning fun.”

Advertisers have a vested interest in us believing that our happiness, health and excitement come from their products, that their external product can create an emotion (happiness) in us... They want us to believe their products can “make us” happy, sexually exciting and instantly stimulating.

From Words to Action

To move toward more self-responsible behavior and toward a greater sense of personal power in your life, you can begin by reprogramming your mind using self-responsible words. Yes, to change the direction and outcome of your life, you can begin by changing your words.

Changing Your Language

To heighten your awareness, listen for examples of “makes me” phrases this week. Keep a “makes me” journal. Monitor where you hear those phrases. Are they on TV, in the music you listen to, or contained in the newspapers and magazines you read? Are they originating from you or are they coming from others? Is there some person in your life who uses “makes me” phrases frequently? Are there people or situations that exist in your life where you are more likely to activate that style of language?

My hunch is that you’ll be hearing more “makes me” talk this week, probably more than you imagine. Just reading this chapter will heighten your awareness and help you to notice it. Keep track. It’s a way to help you focus on your own language patterns and the first step towards change.

“I Make Me”

One effective way of changing “makes me” language is to change the word that immediately precedes “makes me” to “I.” “Sad movies make me cry” then becomes “I make me cry.” “Naughty jokes make me feel embarrassed” is changed to “I make me feel embarrassed.” “You turn me on” becomes “I turn me on.”

Using “I” in front of “makes me” puts you in charge. That technique helps keep your consciousness focused on the real power you have. It’s a visible and audible reminder that you are in control, that your are responsible, that it’s you who owns your feelings and other responses.

Putting “I” before “makes me” may sound awkward at first. “I made myself angry,” “I make me frustrated,” and “I made myself jealous” are certainly not common phrases. Not many people talk that way.

“I made myself angry” sounds strange because you’re not used to hearing and thinking in those terms. Use “I make me” phraseology for awhile. Persist and you will learn to feel increasingly comfortable with it.

I’m Choosing

Another way of speaking that leaves you clearly in control of your responses is to use the phrase “I’m choosing.” Examples follow:

“I’m choosing to be mad.”

“I chose embarrassment when he said that.”

“Right now I’m choosing anger.”

By using the words “I’m choosing,” you remind yourself of the role you play in activating your emotional responses. You bring your choice in the situation to a conscious level. Once you are consciously aware of your choice, you’ve increased your options and your sense of personal power.

Other “Makes Me” Variations

As your skill in noticing and rephrasing “makes me” language increases and your self-responsible behaviors expand, you will begin to detect new, more subtle variations on the “makes me” theme. “Makes me” language comes in a variety of shapes, forms and intensities, not always recognized quickly. Some of them follow:

“It’s frustrating to me.”

“You’re embarrassing me.”

“Heights scare me.”

“He offends me.”

“She bothers me.”

“He let me down.”

“You disappoint me.”

“That annoys me.”

“That’s depressing.”

Each of these sentences is “makes me” in disguise. Each is an example of language that diminishes your personal power and leaves someone or something else in control of your response. Each is programming that helps you believe that you are not responsible for your feelings. Let’s take a closer look.

“It’s frustrating me.”

It doesn’t frustrate me. Whatever it is, it doesn’t have the power to frustrate me. I can only do frustration to myself. I create my own frustration by the thoughts I choose to think, and by how I choose to interpret it. [The same kind of analysis can be applied to each of the above statements, editors.]

More “Makes Me”

Still other variations of the “makes me” phrase follow:

“That’s tying me up in knots.”

“Young children wear me down.”

“You threw me with that one.”

“You put me down yesterday.”

“He steered me wrong.”

“He put me on the spot.”

“That rubs me the wrong way.”

“He changed my mind.”

“She got me going.”

“It irks me.”

“You lost me completely.”

“She gave me a complex.”

In each case above, the statement is an attempt to shift responsibility for the feeling or reaction from the speaker to someone or something else. Shifting that responsibility may feel good for the moment, because if you can get yourself to believe you are not responsible for something, then you don’t have to do anything about it. You can just blame others (it or they), and feel smug and content knowing that it’s not your fault.

“Makes Me” As Manipulation

There are other people in our lives who would like us to believe the “makes me” myth. They want us to believe it so they can control us. Is there someone in your life who wants you to believe that you will hurt people’s feelings if you don’t visit on Thanksgiving? Is there someone who wants you to believe you will make him unhappy if you don’t make love to him tonight? Is there someone who wants you to believe you will make her happy if you let her use the new car? Beware of people who attempt to lay the “makes me” theme on you. It could be an effort to manipulate.

Also, listen for your own “makes me” language. Manipulation can flow both ways. Believing she can make me feel guilty is no different that believing I can make her feel guilty. It’s the same basic notion. In order for you to get free of “makes me” beliefs and behave in more self-responsible ways yourself, it is necessary to learn to speak with language that leaves you in charge of your responses. It is also necessary to learn to speak with language that communicates others are in charge of their responses.

External Sources

Our language provides a range of alternatives from which to choose if we’re interested in side-stepping responsibility and giving up personal power. You may recognize some of the examples that follow:

“I got carried away.”

This is a convenient and simple way to begin if you want to fool yourself into believing that you are not responsible. After all, how could it possibly be your fault or any of your doing when you were picked up and moved by some obscure, unnamed, external force? The next time you want to disown responsibility for one of your actions, just tell yourself you got carried away. That will alleviate your concern and help you see yourself as unresponsible.

“It just came over me.”

This one is a classic. It is an attempt to convey that “it” is responsible for your reactions. You can’t be held accountable because you were doing fine, rolling along, minding your own business. Then “it” came along and came over you. If “it’ hadn’t come over you, everything would have worked out fine. What a shame “it” came over you and forced you to take money form the cash register.

“I don’t know what came over me.”

“Time just got away from me.”

“I didn’t have time to write that up.”

“It was one of those things.”

“Thank goodness he hit that home run!”

“Thank goodness I got here on time!”

“I fell in with the wrong crowd.”

“It spilled over into other areas of my life.”

“I just got hooked.”

The "have to/got to/must fallacy"

Using “have to,” “got to,” and “must” is one more way you reduce personal power in your life. Do these sound familiar?

“I have to get to work now.”

“I’ve got to remember his birthday.”

“I’ve got to help her with her homework.”

“I must call my mother this weekend.”

“Have to’s” are self-limiting phrases that suggest you have no choice in the situation. They are absolutes that leave no room to negotiate. That choice of language reinforces your belief that you have no options and leaves you feeling powerless and out of control.

“Have to’s” are not accurate. Actually, on close examination it becomes clear you really don’t “have to” go to work now. There are several other options available to you, including:

1. You can call in sick.

2. You can quit.

3. You can say you overslept.

4. You can take a personal leave day.

5. You can just show up late with no explanation and take your chances that no one will notice.

No, you don’t “have to” go to work now. You can choose any of the other alternatives and accept the resulting consequences. That’s a choice you make every day. In reality, you are choosing to go to work, either because you want to or because you don’t want to experience the consequences. Either way, it’s your choice.

It’s not helpful to talk to yourself as if you “have to” go to work. If you see it as a “have to,” you won’t enjoy it. It will seem like drudgery and you will merely put in your time. When you say “have to,” you can feel like a captive, someone who is being forced to submit to some terrible fate. It’s no wonder you resist and don’t enjoy work when you choose to speak of it as “got to.”

Dead Enders

There is one style of arranging language that shuts off possibility so quickly and permanently in your life that it deserves a special name. Choosing words in this category leaves you with no way out. I call them Dead Enders. Some follow:

“That’s just the way I am.”

“It’s just a natural state of mind.”

“I’m just a Pisces.”

“I’m a morning person. What do you expect from me?”

“That’s life.”

“That’s destiny.”

“I’m just like my dad.”

Each of these dead enders is a variation of “There isn’t anything I can do.” Each locks you into a set position from which there is no escape. Each is programming that diminishes your sense of personal power.

Dead enders limit your response-ability. Once you’ve said, “That’s just the way I am,” to yourself, you have decreased the possibility of making other responses.

I have a friend who argues frequently with his wife, his boss and his neighbors. I asked him why he argued so often and he told me, “I have a quick temper. It’s just the way I am.” His belief that his temper has a short fuse is well developed.. he’s been programming his mind with that illusion for many years. Naturally, his behavior is consistent with his false belief.

Variations

“I’m not mechanical.”

“I’m not creative.”

“I’m emotional.”

“I’m a homebody.”

“I’m not musical.”

“I’m not religious.”

“I’m sensitive.”

“I’m not athletic.”

“I’m not mathematical.”
Be careful what you tell yourself. Each of the statements above is a variation of “That’s just the way I am.”

Listen for dead enders on TV and at the movies. Pay attention to the language choices of your friends, relatives and acquaintances. Start hearing dead enders from others and you will increase your ability to hear your own.

“How Are You?”

I suggest you begin by changing your response to the often asked question, “How are you?” We all hear that question several times a day as well as variations like, “How ya doing?” and “How’s it going?” These questions provide a useful starting place to begin working on your language. They are also an opportunity to remind yourself of the importance of how you choose to talk to yourself and others.

When someone asks, “How are you?” do not respond with “O.K.,” average,” “fair to mid’lin,” “could be better,” “I’ve been worse,” “so-so,” “it’s too early to tell,” “wait till I wake up and I’ll let you know,” or any other variation that programs your bio-computer with a message that is less than ecstatic. If you’re currently using one of the phrases above, stop! Remember, language is programming. Get in the habit of responding with words like, “wonderful,” “incredible,” “superb,” “unbeatable,” “a notch above excellent,” “harmonious” or my favorite, “invincible.”

Instant Change

In order to learn new language patterns we must begin by paying attention to the language we do use. We use language so often it is easy to take our typical patterns for granted. We use it without thinking, without consciously making a choice. Many of us have erroneously been taught that language is an act of reporting rather than one of creating. [Emphasis added] We have learned to give little or no attention to how language structures the way we experience the world.